“I have prayed for you…that your faith may not fail”. Unpacking twenty-twenty two….finally.

It took 24 days into the new year to be able to confront the ordeal I faced last year and put words to what my mind went through.

Last year, I felt I was losing myself and in part I was. I was changing (again) and this time it felt uncomfortable and disorienting. I was in a tug-of-war with myself and was wrestling with God about it.  This was all going on in grad school. Both semesters last year, I was in therapy and my therapist had once asked me if I didn’t expect grad school to be hard — I did.  Granted grad school is hard but it’s the accompaniment; the company of things it came with….that….I did not expect.

For one, I became so self-critical. 

Even before I started classes in 2021, I questioned my acceptance into CMU and all sorts of stuff.

Friends, it is one thing for people to condemn you or say negative stuff about you but self-condemnation….that is a wicked spirit that seeks to destroy a person….but God…..but the Word. [ref:John 10:10]

Being in a new place alone also made it easier to stay in my head. I overthought and overanalyzed everything — what people thought or didn’t think, what I did or didn’t do and this all led to me being disappointed in myself, in things not working out as they played out in my head and I was angry at God about it.

I struggled with being hidden (again); felt unseen and therefore unloved by God, by everyone……

now the fishy part was when I started questioning why salvation was easy, that I wasn’t worthy of it and that God was disappointed in how I felt (I felt like I should have been able to escape feeling all these things and avoided these negative thoughts). For a short period of time, I was panicked that I would be physically attacked outside or would sleep and not wake up. All sorts of fear sought to paralyze me. I could not sleep without sound and light.

I genuinely felt like the enemy was bullying me…especially about my knowledge of Christ and who I am in Him. It was like an attack on my identity and this was where I was like…. SUSPECT! You LIE! [ref: 2 Corinthians 2:11]

I glorify God — that he is a good GOOD father; a ROCK that never fails. I’m grateful for victory in Christ Jesus & I’m in awe of how the Holy Spirit carried me through because when I say last year felt like a blur….it really did. I think my brain did a lot of work fighting to suppress what I was going through. During the semester, I was in autopilot lol and I felt like some days just passed by (somehow I still performed excellently well in my studies…. and that’s on JESUS!).

As hesitant as I am to share this, I think remembrance is an important thing. [‭‭ref: Psalms‬ ‭78‬:‭38‬‬-‭42‬ ]

May I not forget what the Lord saw me through — how his rod & staff comforted me. Nahhhh, the enemy wanted to sift me like wheat but I know of one who prays on my behalf! Asha!

Because I couldn’t understand what was going on in my mind and couldn’t put words to these feelings and thoughts, it was hard to pray intelligible prayers. This was where I understood the power of praying in the Spirit. I had to recognize Jesus as our mediator and intercessor. This is not foreign to him. He knows better that I can express so when I couldn’t pray, I sang, wrote poems, danced, listened to music, read Psalms and Job (iykyk….a broken spirit; He won’t despise) & importantly acknowledge out to trusted people.

I’m doing this so I won’t forget or deny what was but is no more because AWA JU ASEGUN LO! We are more than conquerors in Christ :) and to share my testimony and express God’s evident grace and faithfulness.

In hindsight: Gbemisola, Rest in God. Jesus said on the cross: “ it is finished”. E get why. 

I feel like this isn’t all but I don’t want to dig any deeper lol. I do hope this encourages someone to keep the faith and not let the enemy steal your hope and joy & that we have access to a strength that is far greater than us.

Referenced Scriptures

“The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows].” John‬ ‭10‬:‭10‬ ‭AMP‬‬

“Anyone you forgive, I also forgive. And what I have forgiven — if there was anything to forgive — I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.” 2 Corinthians‬ ‭2‬:‭10‬-‭11‬ ‭NIV

“But He, being full of compassion, forgave their iniquity, And did not destroy them. Yes, many a time He turned His anger away, And did not stir up all His wrath; How often they provoked Him in the wilderness, And grieved Him in the desert! Yes, again and again they tempted God, And limited the Holy One of Israel. They did not remember His power: The day when He redeemed them from the enemy,” Psalms‬ ‭78‬:‭38‬‬-‭42‬ NKJV

““Peter, my dear friend, listen to what I’m about to tell you. Satan has obtained permission to come and sift you all like wheat and test your faith. But I have prayed for you, Peter, that you would stay faithful to me no matter what comes. Remember this: after you have turned back to me and have been restored, make it your life mission to strengthen the faith of your brothers.”” Luke 22:31-32 TPT

“What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭31‬-‭39‬ ‭NIV‬‬

with so much joy,

Gbems